


Until God It Burns

by EthelPhantom



Series: Ethel's Constagami/DamiGami December 2020 [1]
Category: Constantine (TV), DCU, Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Angst, Constagami December, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, MariBat, Memory Alteration, Memory Magic, No one dies though, Not explicit but it's still very clear, Recovered Memories, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, also
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:46:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27817753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EthelPhantom/pseuds/EthelPhantom
Summary: There might be a way to restore a broken home, but there is no way to restore something that has been burnt down.The only way to continue from there is to begin all over again.And to begin all over again, one must first end everything.
Relationships: John Constantine/Kagami Tsurugi
Series: Ethel's Constagami/DamiGami December 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2035531
Comments: 6
Kudos: 8





	Until God It Burns

**Author's Note:**

> Blame PersephonesCat for this little thing! <3 It's hardly my fault I decided to try a bit different type of angst. 
> 
> Also, would you look at that, I ended up joining another month challenge except it's not Daminette December, how did this happen? (Because PLPanda was too done with me and my angst, which meant DamiGami fluff, which, in the end, turned into Constagami/DamiGami December for us. Oh well.)
> 
> Enjoy!

The smell of cigarette smoke in the air is terrible. It is nowhere near faint. He is smoking on the other side of the sofa. Kagami is far too used to it to cover her nose or start coughing, though. It isn’t like John doesn’t smoke every other day anyway. It’s dark, and the only lights in the room come from Kagami’s laptop — she’s been looking into hotels and new apartments — and the phone screen that lits up every now and then that John’s left between them. 

Kagami hates this. 

She hates all the lies, she hates that they can’t be like a normal couple, hates that they can’t just be happy. 

She hates that they fight so often. 

> _ “I’ll be home by 10.” _
> 
> _ “That’s not gonna hurt.” _
> 
> _ “I would never use someone else as a means to get to the end.” _
> 
> _ “Of course I didn’t spend 140£ on alcohol.” _
> 
> _ “Yes, I’m fine, cut it out already.” _
> 
> _ “My parents are fine. Mom’s not in-country though and Father’s somewhere.” _
> 
> _ “My childhood was decent, okay?” _
> 
> _ “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to contact you last weekend, I was taken hostage because Papa Midnite’s an arsehole.” _
> 
> _ “I’ve never dropped out of school. Just didn’t feel like going into jobs I could’ve gotten through them.” _
> 
> _ “No, my magic isn’t that dangerous to me. There are always risks but it’s not that bad.” _
> 
> _ “I just need to do this one case, it shouldn’t take me more than 2 weeks at max. I’ll be back then.” _
> 
> _ “No, what do you mean, of course I haven’t shagged anyone in the past 5 days.” _
> 
> _ “I guess I should say sorry for being late, the case just took a bit longer than it should’ve.” _
> 
> _ “I haven’t kissed anyone other than you since we got together.” _
> 
> _ “I promise I won’t take up another case so soon.” _
> 
> _ “We can spend your birthday together this year.” _
> 
> _ “Yeah I paid my debts away, it’s taken care of.” _
> 
> _ “No, I wasn’t drinking last weekend, I was just kidnapped, sorry.” _
> 
> _ “No, I wasn’t kidnapped again last weekend, I was just at the bar, sorry for worrying you.” _

Those barely covered all the lies she has been told within the past couple of years, and Kagami’s tired of it. She’s tired of being constantly lied to, she’s tired of no longer being able to trust his word, she’s tired of all of it.

It isn’t like she’s even trying to get him to tell her everything he does, or that he can’t keep any secrets because he knows they can be important to him, and sometimes said secrets can be about life-and-death. She knows that, and it’s not surprising given his job, but she wants to be able to trust that he’ll tell her when he’s hurt, or when he’s coming home if she asks for that, or that he’ll just tell her if he had to lie about something. 

He  _ knows  _ that she hates being lied to. 

And yet he keeps doing it.

It hurts.

There isn’t really a better word for it. It’s just empty pain and hurt, it’s numb, eating her from within, and she doesn’t know how to describe it with any other words except “it hurts”, and it’s pathetic because she should be able to describe how things affect her better. She’s been practising. 

Then again, it’s not like she’s much better off, she supposes. She doesn’t lie, hasn’t lied to him about much since they began dating, but that by no means is to say she’s all innocent. No, Kagami knows perfectly well that she uses his insecurities against him, throws lines that she knows will hurt him at John. 

None of them is accidental. 

> _ “Hm. It isn’t like this is your first major failure.” _
> 
> _ “I would maybe like to have a child but I doubt you would be any better of a Father than yours was.” _
> 
> _ “I cannot believe this. You are truly asking for help with such a simple thing? You must learn how to do these things on your own.” _
> 
> _ “What, you missed a childhood developmental point and ended up abusing alcohol and smoking? So pathetic.” _
> 
> _ “I did not want this life with you. I thought you could change for the better. That’s the only reason I stayed.” _
> 
> _ “It is so difficult to love you. You make it terrible.” _
> 
> _ “Have you ever managed to save any one of your friends’ lives?” _
> 
> _ “You are no better than your father.” _
> 
> _ “Oh, no. Beloved. You are not alone because of this life you lead, or the work you do. It is not all that special, and  _ **_you_ ** _ aren’t all that special. You are simply alone because you drive everyone away by being you.”  _
> 
> _ “I find asking help weak, pathetic.” _
> 
> _ “You would sacrifice other people for your causes regardless of whether they were alright with it and you know it.” _
> 
> _ “You have never been strong enough of a sorcerer and I doubt you will ever be such.” _
> 
> _ “Why would you think I would trust my life in your hands when most people who do so end up walking into their demise? It isn’t like you would not sacrifice even a loved one if you thought it would work.” _
> 
> _ “You make it impossible to keep loving you.” _
> 
> _ “You? Good at magic? Hardly so. If you were, you would not need to use people as a means to get to the end.” _
> 
> _ “Think about it for a moment, will you? Which one of us truly wanted this life?”  _
> 
> _ “Ends hardly justify the means when the means are human lives.” _
> 
> _ “How many people you have loved have died by now? Perhaps it is your fault, after all.” _

Neither of them is innocent.

“Alcohol isn’t going to solve your problems,” goes the quiet huff. It also goes ignored as per usual. It isn’t unexpected.

There’s a bottle of wine on the table, nearly empty. It was full less than an hour ago. They have been fighting, again, and it seems neither wants to go through that without alcohol — or perhaps neither of them knows how to do so any longer. In a way, it  _ is  _ easier. 

Even so, Kagami has yet to touch the wine. She hates all of this, she hates the constant lying, she hates the constant fighting, the constant arguments, the constant terrible coping mechanisms, and she hates that they both keep hurting one another through things they  _ know  _ are hurtful. 

“When were you going to tell me?” she asks, biting back tears of anger and sadness, voice turning bitter with hurt. She digs her nails into her palms, trying her best to control herself as feelings must not be shown. She’s just found out he’s slept with someone else. She understands that sometimes he has to, sometimes he does not have a choice — she accepted that reality when they began dating, he told her already back then. She would understand if it was for his work and if he told her about it either right after or right before, but no. He hasn’t told her.

She had to find out on her own.

It hurts. 

John stays silent. Kagami wants to throw something at him to get him to speak. 

“Please, do not lie to me,” she says, pleading, hiding the anger, hiding the sadness, and yet she can’t hide how much she needs to know the truth. 

Finally, he turns to look at her. “It didn’t matter then, it doesn’t matter now. I don’t need to tell you everything I do, Luv,” he spits, and the words light up a flare in her chest. It burns bright and hot, the flames feel like they’re climbing higher, and it hurts. 

It’s full of anger. 

“We have an agreement,  _ Constantine,” _ she bites, bitter and hurt and confused and  _ hurt.  _ “You are supposed to tell me should you sleep with someone other than myself, same should you kiss them.  _ I am your significant other,  _ for goodness’ sake.” 

He doesn’t answer.

It doesn’t surprise her anymore.

Neither of them likes to fight with each other, not about the same old issues they’ve fought about times and times again.

In the end, it doesn’t matter either way.

After all, they keep doing so regardless. 

Kagami looks at John, waits for him to lock eyes with her. Once he does, she shakes her head, disappointed. So very disappointed. “Did you ever love me?” 

He snorts. “Are you dead?”

“...Not  _ yet.  _ Should this go on,  _ I will _ .”

So, all in all, it is a mess and a catastrophe, they are sinking in quicksand and fighting to get out — except they are moving too much and them fighting means they are sinking even faster. They cannot get out. 

There’s a moment of silence before one of them speaks again, and the words could belong to either one of them although, in the end, they know it is John. 

“Did you ever love me either?” 

…“I tried to, at least. I wanted to.”

“Go to hell.”

“I assume we shall meet there, then.” 

They’re silent. Sad. They want it all to end already. It only seems that the world does not want things to end. It doesn’t want the hurt or the pain or the lies or the agony or the sorrow or the discomfort end. 

And there is nothing left to defend.

They are not quite certain how things get where they are, but then Kagami’s pressed against the sofa and John is over her, and they are both irritated and  _ done  _ and tired of everything. 

“Let’s make this one last pleasing fuck, then,” he says, and Kagami doesn’t disagree, can’t disagree. It’s easier to let out steam that way, and they know this dance. They’ve danced it a thousand times before. 

Kagami looks at him in the eye, sighing. “My heart tells me to kiss you but my head tells me to walk away,” she says, gaze sad — and she finally allows him to see through her —, and John nods.  _ Tell me if you want to stop,  _ is the clear message, but she doesn’t tell him then or later, so he leans down and connects their lips. 

The air smells of sweat and tastes bitter even if Kagami tastes like chocolate and John like wine and smoke. Perhaps it is the feelings mixed in with everything, the hate and the grudges and the hurt tainting it all. It is a possibility. 

As he flops down beside her on the bed, both breathing heavily, throbbing with the pleasure they are still experiencing, Kagami turns her naked back to him. It doesn’t take long before she sits up, still not facing her lover — and can she even call him such any longer? — burying her face in her hands. 

She would be fine pretending. 

She would be fine pretending things were alright, but _there is nothing left to defend._

They have come to the end, and she knows that, and there is really nothing that she can use to say otherwise, and it is, in the end, devastating. After all, she has loved this man for years, and she still loves him, and she doesn’t want to leave. 

There is simply no way to keep things together anymore. Neither of them is good enough for that, neither of them is willing to change. 

They cannot keep hurting one another anymore or one of them truly will lose their life. The only way to avoid that inevitable outcome is to stop it before it can happen, and the only way to get there is to end everything before it all comes crashing and burning down. It is the only way, and she has to accept that now, finally. 

The moment she stands up to get out of the bed, though, John grabs her wrist, pulling her back. The grip isn’t tight, she could probably get out of it, but for just a moment, she hopes he thinks the same as she does, and perhaps they can try to work things out just once more. Just once more, maybe they can make everything work again, maybe they won’t have to lose one another. 

That hope is diminished like a tiny flame of a candle in mere seconds. “Stay… But just for the night.” He does not want her to stay, he does not want to work things out with her. He no longer wants  _ her _ . 

(Or perhaps he does, but he simply does not know how to say it. Does not dare to be vulnerable, and Kagami cannot blame him, she knows she has used his vulnerability against him before.

And she is tired of the lies and the things left unsaid.)

Maybe it’s for the better for them to be over and leave it all behind even as she knows neither of them can fully accept things to be over for a while, neither of them can fully get over the end, and neither of them can fully move on and leave the pain behind no matter how much time passes.

So it all comes crashing down in her mind, it’s all over, and there is nothing left to save. She knew that already. It doesn’t come as a surprise. Even so, she accepts and crawls back into the bed, curls up next to him, and lets herself fall asleep accompanied by silent tears. 

During the night, Kagami awakens and sits up in the bed, hands folded on her lap. She doesn’t dare to look at John. It feels too bad, it hurts too much. Everything is over and all they had is gone. She needs to end this, and she cannot leave if things are as they are. She doesn't know how to end this if things are like this by the time she should be leaving. 

The clock on the bedside reads 4 in the morning. _ 4:38 a.m.  _ It’s been a couple of hours since she fell asleep. The night isn’t going well,  _ at all.  _ There is nothing she can do about it, either. Finally, she turns around, kneeling next to him, and places her hand on his forehead, closing her eyes. 

A bright light fills the room, and John’s eyes open in a flash. “What are you—?” he manages to ask before it’s all finished already. He falls back on the bed after trying to sit up, and Kagami allows one tear to fall down her cheek. 

_ “Adieu, my beloved. You deserve something better than this.”  _

She replaces his memories of her with an image of someone else, of someone who never hurt him as she did but the two of them simply did not work together any longer. Kagami herself, she alters his memories until the image of her is merely a one-night stand, nothing else, nothing more. It must be done. This way her leaving won’t hurt him, this way she can leave.

This way everything can finally end.

She slips out of bed and goes to the living room, lighting the fireplace and throwing every picture and letter and memory she can find of them in. They should be gone. She cannot take all of it with her. She  _ should not  _ take all of it with her. All proof of them truly knowing one another should not be saved, they should’ve never met. It will be easier for them this way. 

Only one picture is saved; a picture of John holding her. It could be interpreted as platonic — especially so as they had not yet begun dating when the photo had been taken. Nothing more is happening, simply an embrace. She doesn’t have it in her to rid of that one, too. It’s too important to her. 

Her clothes are packed and taken outside, away from his eyes, and she’s careful about making sure nothing is left behind. She can never be  _ too  _ careful, he has magic and knows others with magic — should he be insistent enough, she could be tracked down if he got any suspicions about the possessions left behind.

Finally, she returns to the bed, knowing she will only be there until morning. After that, she must take her leave. It is good she has looked into new apartments and hotels already. It will not be too difficult aside from the memories that bind her here.

For a couple of hours, everything is black before she hears a familiar voice call for her. “Hey, wake up, Luv. Wan’ some breakfast or something?” Then there’s a pause. “Or… I recall you were supposed to leave?” John is lying on his side, elbow propped under him and head resting on his hand as he watches her.

Kagami simply shook her head. “No thank you to the breakfast. I shall simply take my leave now, I have got work soon enough,” she said, giving him a small nod before slipping out of bed. She picks up her clothes she had been wearing last night from the floor, dressing herself up as fast as she can without looking suspicious. She cannot afford that. 

John just shrugs. “Sure thing, Luv,” he tells her, and Kagami is grateful and relieved he doesn’t pay much mind to her behaviour. “Good fuck you were, any bloke would be lucky if you wanted to shag ‘em.” 

Rolling her eyes, she just dismisses it. It is simply sometimes how he speaks, especially to those that he doesn’t know. 

_ And that is just it, he no longer knows her.  _

_ It hurts.  _

The moment she steps out of the bedroom, she is overcome with memories and grief of what she no longer has, of the home that has now become a house, and she needs to get out as soon as she possibly can. 

She needs to. 

She bids him adieu, and it seems he doesn’t really get confused by how she words her goodbyes, how her words mean “until God”, and she expects them to never meet again. 

A small slip of paper falls out of her pocket moments before she closes the door, letting out a sigh and closing her eyes. It is all over now, everything is gone, every single second of her life she has put into the relationship has been in vain. Everything she’s done is now lost. 

It’s alright.

_ It’s better for both of them this way. _

Behind the door, John picks up a photograph that is clearly a couple of years old of him and the woman that was supposedly a one-night-stand. It doesn’t make sense, he doesn’t remember her at all. 

Finally, as he looks at the photograph for long enough, memories flood him again, and he realises that she tried to make things easier for him. She failed, but she still tried, because he can remember what her magic is, and he can remember what the price of her magic is, too. It’s horrible to know that she took it upon herself just for this. 

…“You were not supposed to leave,” he whispers quietly before throwing the photograph on the ground and punching the wall, angry at himself, her, the world, everything. 

They didn’t deserve this…

But mistakes are easily made in the moment. 

_ Apologies are not. _

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed the fic! <3 I would love to get some comments and thoughts on this little thing.


End file.
